50 Funniest Clever Short Job Descriptions Ever

50 Funniest Clever Short Job Descriptions Ever 1K Because people describing their own jobs is a lot funnier than having HR do it. Photo by Nicolas Nova Over on the Dilbert Blog, Scott Adams gave his readers an assignment: “describe your own job in one sentence, preferably in a humorously derogatory way.” Here are the best replies from among the hundreds, with the top 10 at the end. My Job Is To… Read things that don't matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don't matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn't say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I'm smarter than they are while complaining how it's a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don't need: Corporate Software Engineer Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director Manage waste recycling, promotion sales: Antiques Dealer Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst Tell forty year-old men it's okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot Persuade kids that it's really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician Go to strange people's houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant Tell people that they can't spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist Try not to kill the baby: Housewife Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three Run away and call the police: Security Guard Copy and paste the Internet: Student The Top 10 Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer (Scott Adams' favorite) Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire Talk in other people's sleep: College Professor Call people who know what they're doing and ask them what they're doing: Incident Manager Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food Employee If you liked this, you'll love the Funniest Strangest Job Titles Ever. Could you live up to Scott's challenge? Try to describe your current job or one of your past career choices in the comments.eval Made you laugh?